#485 - How Far Would You Travel for Love?
This week on Q&A Tuesday, I asked a simple question: How far will you travel to date someone?
I expected answers in miles. What I got was a window into how people think about love, timing, and how much room they have in their lives for someone new.
Two answers sat right next to each other in the comments, and they couldn’t have been further apart.
One reader said: “To the moon and back.”
Another said: “Walking distance.”
Somewhere between those two is probably you. Let’s look at what everyone said, because there’s real wisdom hiding in these replies.
“Apparently, 2 Hours”
One of my favorite answers was just three words: “Apparently, 2 hours.”
That word apparently tells a whole story. He didn’t choose his limit. Experience chose it for him. A lot of us learn what we want that way, after our heart is already invested. It’s a lot less painful to decide before. That’s the theme running through every answer this week: it’s not an intelligence problem. It’s a decision problem.
“No Limit, But...”
Several readers said there’s no limit for the right person. I love the heart behind that. But “the right person” carries a lot of weight in that sentence. How do you know someone is right before you’ve spent the time and miles finding out?
A few readers had a smart answer to that.
One woman said she has no set limit, as long as the other person is willing to FaceTime and put real effort into getting to know each other. That’s a great filter. Distance doesn’t end relationships nearly as often as a lack of effort does. If someone won’t pick up the phone when they’re two hours away, they probably won’t show up when they’re two miles away either.
Another reader said she doesn’t set a limit early on, because a longer drive can make your time together feel even more special. If it becomes lasting, one person moves, probably toward whoever has more family nearby. Then she added: “Life changes, I just roll with it.”
Open, flexible, and realistic all at once. She isn’t pretending distance doesn’t matter. She just has a plan for when it does.
“30 to 40 Minutes, and Then We Talk”
One man gave a very clear answer: 30 to 40 minutes, and if things work out, a conversation about who moves.
Then he said something every single person reading this should hear:
If you’re dating just to date, that’s one thing. But if you’re dating to become a true couple, it’s a whole different ball game.
Your distance limit depends on your intention. If you want company for dinner on Friday night, of course you’ll keep it close. But if you’re looking for a lifelong partner, the better question isn’t “How far will I drive?” It’s “What am I willing to change if I find the right person?”
“Walking Distance Only”
And then there was the most unusual answer of the week.
One reader said his limit is walking distance. After the recent hurricane, gas lines are long and prices are high, and he’s not burning premium fuel on just anyone. The holidays are coming, money is tight, and maybe he’ll think about dating next spring. Besides, he added, he doesn’t want someone stealing the covers on cold nights.
It made me laugh. But after more than a decade of coaching midlife singles, I’ve learned that humor often carries the real message. Set the jokes aside and he’s saying: my life feels too full, too tight, or too comfortable right now to make room for someone else.
I hear versions of that all the time. “After the holidays.” “Once things settle down.” Sometimes timing really does matter. But “next spring” has a way of becoming next year, and then the year after.
And the covers? When you’ve been on your own a while, you build a life that works exactly the way you like it. Your schedule, your space, your side of the bed. That independence is something to be proud of. The question is whether you’re protecting it or hiding behind it.
My Own Answer
I’ll be honest: I understand him better than you might think.
I live full time in an RV. Distance isn’t much of an issue for me. When I’ve dated on the road, my flexibility let me travel to her for a while so we could really get to know each other. I’m also open to settling down in one place if I meet the right woman.
But most of the women I talk with want a home base, and I don’t have one. So in my own way, I’m living this question every day.
Here’s what life on the road has taught me. Every time I arrive somewhere new, I have to work at becoming part of the community. I look for dance halls, live music, local festivals, and a local church. It’s one reason I stay at least two months in each place. It gives me time to connect and to search online locally.
And I’ll admit, it’s very easy to get lazy. To say, “I’ll go out tomorrow.” Or next week. Or the next time I’m back.
That’s my version of “next spring maybe.” We all have one.
Miles or Margin?
Put all these answers side by side and a pattern shows up.
The healthiest answers didn’t have the biggest or smallest number. They came from people who knew why they chose it. They knew what they wanted, what they needed from the other person, and what they’d be willing to do if it turned into something real.
“I just roll with it” and “next spring maybe” are both answers about distance. But they come from two very different places. One leaves room for love to walk in. The other keeps the door closed and calls it practical.
So here’s my question for you this week:
When you think about how far you’ll go for someone, are you measuring miles, or measuring how much room you’re willing to make?
Drop a comment and tell me your answer. I read every one.
If you’ve been saying “maybe next spring” a little too long, start with my free guide, The 5 Biggest Dating and Relationship Mistakes. It will help you spot what’s really keeping the door closed.