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#476 - How Are You Showing Up?

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This past Sunday I physically attended church, something I haven't been able to do in a while. I usually only get to attend online because of my travels. What struck me as I walked in is that the greeters were busy talking to their friends. Oh, they held the door open, but not a glance my way.

I walked in and the same thing prevailed. I paused, looked around, and walked into the sanctuary and found a seat. It wasn't until the call to stand and greet those around you that anyone said hello.

Nobody there was being rude on purpose. They just weren't paying attention. They were coasting on autopilot, comfortable in their own circle, not realizing there was a visitor standing three feet away who needed someone to look up.

That got me thinking about the past few conversations I've had on online dating apps. Someone likes you. You like them back. They initiate a conversation, and then it's like pulling teeth to keep it going. One word answers. Long gaps between replies. Questions that never get returned.

I try to be inquisitive by asking open-ended questions and responding thoughtfully with more than a couple of words at a time. That's not a communication trick. It's basic attention. But it's really hard to get to know someone who is relatively uncommunicative, and it's exhausting to be the only one carrying the conversation.

And it doesn't always end once the conversation moves to a first date. I've sat across the table from people who put in real effort over text, and then showed up distracted, checking their phone, giving flat one-word answers to the same open-ended questions they asked me online. The energy that got us to the date evaporated the moment we sat down. Coasting doesn't stay behind on the app. It walks into the restaurant with you if you let it.

A first date is your one chance to be fully present with someone who was curious enough to show up. That means actually listening instead of waiting for your turn to talk. Asking a follow up question instead of moving straight to your next story. Putting the phone away. Noticing them instead of noticing yourself.

Here's the connection I keep coming back to. Coasting isn't neutral. In church, coasting cost those greeters a chance to make a stranger feel welcome. On a dating app or across a dinner table, coasting costs you a shot at the person who was actually interested enough to say yes to talking with you, or meeting you, in the first place. It doesn't feel like sabotage in the moment. It just feels like being a little tired, a little distracted, a little too comfortable with the low-effort version of yourself. But the outcome is the same either way. Someone shows up ready to connect, and they meet a closed door.

So let me ask you the same question I've been asking myself since Sunday. How are you showing up?

What does your online profile actually project about you? When someone new likes you or messages you, are you engaging like you actually want to know them? And when you finally get to that first date, are you the same present, curious person who made them want to meet you, or does that version of you disappear the moment you sit down?

I hear from people all the time who tell me dating feels like a drag. And often, when we dig into it, the drag isn't the apps or the matches out there. It's a pattern of showing up half present, online and in person, and wondering why nothing catches.

If that sounds familiar, you're not broken and you're not bad at this. You're likely just repeating one of a handful of patterns that quietly undercut good matches before they get a chance to become something real. I wrote about the most common ones in The 5 Biggest Dating and Relationship Mistakes, and how you show up, both in conversation and in person, is one of them. It's a free guide, and it might put words to something you've been sensing about your own dating life but haven't quite named yet.

Grab it, and then ask yourself honestly: this week, how are you showing up?

Blogs

#476 - How Are You Showing Up?

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