#468 - 10 Things I've Learned from Dating in the Past 16 Years
Every so often I like to look back on my life after being divorced. Today I want to share 10 things I've learned. Now, I want to be clear that not all of them are earth shattering revelations. One may be amusing, some may be profound (at least to me), and others may be generally recognizable to everyone as in, "oh yeah, I learned that too."
- I learned what great communication looks like in a relationship. It's something I'd never experienced until I met someone who was a great communicator. She also showed me what extraordinary love could look like.
- I learned how to make a great bowl of homemade popcorn. This is one of the silly ones, but it's important to me. Just a minor adjustment to the popping sequence made a huge difference.
- I lost a couple of great relationships because I was "a man in search of." At the time I didn't fully grasp what that label meant. It wasn't until later, when I thought I'd found an extraordinary relationship, that I came to see how much I could love someone. And when I discovered that about myself, I recognized how emotionally immature I'd been before. The relationship became more about her and less about me. Because of that immaturity, I lost a couple of great relationships that could have been extraordinary in their own ways.
- I've learned not to settle. To me that means drawing a hard line in the sand and refusing to cross it. That can be extremely hard when most of the relationship is so right. But making myself a priority mattered. I could have settled, and there would have been strife for years. At the very least, I'd have been unhappy and unfulfilled.
- As I've aged, my outlook on what's actually important has changed. My Must Have list has shifted. At a younger age, certain things carried more weight than they do now. A couple of things that were once very important, in fact Deal Breakers if they were missing, just aren't anymore. They'd still be nice to have, but they're not a major factor in my decision-making. And a couple of new things have been added to the list. Much of that comes down to life balance and peace of mind.
- I've learned how hard it is to have a serious relationship with someone who doesn't share your sense of humor. There's nothing more discouraging than laughing at a joke or a funny scene in a movie only to have your partner roll their eyes and say, "I don't get what's so funny." You don't have to get all of each other's jokes. But you have to be able to share some laughs together.
- There are certain people you'll connect with on such a deep level that letting them go is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. And in spite of that connection, you have to be able to recognize when the overall relationship is toxic for you. It doesn't mean they're a bad person or that something's wrong with them. It just means they aren't a good fit, and no amount of work or therapy will ever change that. The key is having the insight and the strength to see it for what it is and let go, no matter how hard it feels at the time.
- Trying to get closure when a relationship ends never works. It sounds like a good idea at the time, but the problem is it always reopens wounds that need to heal. In a lot of cases, it opens the door to getting back together. And the reasons you broke up in the first place are the same ones that'll cause you to break up again... and again. Then you start the healing process all over. Not fun.
- I learned how to fold a fitted sheet! Sounds goofy, but I like a little organization in the cupboard where my sheets are stored. It sure beats wadding them up in a ball. LOL.
- It's okay to take a break from dating from time to time. Dating can be arduous if you let it. There are seasons when it'll seem like there's absolutely no one worth dating out there. I notice it online regularly. You scroll and scroll with no one worth clicking on. Then all of a sudden, profiles show up that look like a much higher probability of matching. Or dates that seemed promising turn out to be one and done. It's all part of the journey to finding your extraordinary partner. The thing to remember is that you never know when they'll show up. Be ready. Be proactive.
These are my observations and some of the things I've learned from dating. Some of you will look at this and say, "Yup, been there." Others may say, "This was a waste of 900 words." And a few of you will say, "These are some good insights to keep in mind."
So let me ask you: what things have you learned?
Have a wonderful week.