#432 - Still Dating the Wrong People? It's Not Bad Luck. It's a Pattern.
If you're reading this, chances are you've said something like this to yourself: "Why do I keep attracting the wrong people?" or "Am I just unlucky in love?"
Here's the truth that might sting a little: It's not about luck. It's about patterns.
After more than a decade of coaching midlife singles, I've seen it countless times. Intelligent, successful, kind-hearted people in their 50s and 60s who keep ending up in the same disappointing relationships, just with different faces. The details change, but the story stays the same.
The good news? Once you recognize the pattern, you can break it. And that's exactly what we're going to talk about today.
The Three Patterns That Keep You Stuck
Pattern #1: Choosing Emotionally Unavailable Partners
You meet someone who seems perfect on paper. They're attractive, successful, interesting. But there's always something just out of reach. They're "not ready for anything serious." They're "still healing from their divorce." They're always one foot out the door, and you're left wondering what you need to do to earn their full commitment.
Here's the thing: emotionally unavailable people aren't projects to fix. They're showing you exactly who they are. The pattern isn't them—it's you choosing them in the first place, and then staying when they show you they can't meet your needs.
Pattern #2: Ignoring Red Flags
Remember that moment on the second date when they said something that made you uncomfortable? Or when they canceled plans at the last minute—again? Or when their ex came up in conversation for the twentieth time?
You noticed. You felt that little ping of concern. But you explained it away. You gave them the benefit of the doubt. You told yourself you were being too picky or too judgmental.
Red flags aren't character flaws in you for noticing them. They're your intuition trying to protect you. But if you've learned to override that inner voice, you'll keep walking right past the warning signs into relationships that hurt you.
Pattern #3: Repeating Family-of-Origin Dynamics
This is the big one, and it's often the hardest to see because it's been with you your whole life.
The relationship dynamics you witnessed growing up become your blueprint for "normal." If love meant chaos, you might feel bored with stability. If affection was conditional, you might chase validation from people who withhold it. If boundaries were violated, you might not know how to set them now.
You're not broken because of this. You're human. But you are unconsciously recreating what feels familiar, even when it hurts.
Janice's Story: Breaking Free After Decades
Let me tell you about Janice. She came to me in her early 60s, exhausted and discouraged. She'd been married twice, and both husbands had been verbally abusive. In between marriages, she'd dated men who were controlling, dismissive, or just plain mean.
"I must have a sign on my forehead that says 'treat me badly,'" she told me in our first session.
But Janice didn't have a sign on her forehead. She had a pattern that started in childhood. She grew up in an abusive home where love and cruelty got tangled together. As an adult, she unconsciously sought out partners who felt familiar—even though familiar meant painful.
Over several months of working together, something shifted. Janice started recognizing her patterns in real-time. She learned to listen to her intuition instead of silencing it. Most importantly, she learned to establish firm boundaries using what I call the Must Have and Deal Breaker List method.
This simple but powerful tool helped Janice get crystal clear on what she needed in a partner and what she absolutely wouldn't tolerate. No more making excuses. No more second-guessing herself. No more sacrificing her safety and happiness for the possibility of love.
Today, Janice is dating men who are emotionally mature, available, and kind. For the first time in her life, she feels safe in her relationships. Not because the men are perfect, but because she knows what she deserves and won't settle for less.
If Janice can break a pattern that lasted six decades, you can too.
The Must Have and Deal Breaker List: Your First Step
One of the most powerful tools I teach my clients is deceptively simple: a Must Have and Deal Breaker List.
Here's how it works. You create two columns. In one column, you list your Must Haves—the non-negotiable qualities you need in a partner. Not "nice to have" or "would be great if," but actual requirements for your happiness and safety. Things like: emotional availability, mutual respect, honest communication, financial responsibility, shared values about family.
In the other column, you list your Deal Breakers—the behaviors or traits that are automatic disqualifiers. Maybe it's substance abuse, chronic dishonesty, unwillingness to commit, disrespect toward you or others, or anything that violates your core values.
This isn't about being picky. It's about being clear. When you know what you need and what you won't accept, you stop wasting time on people who can't meet your needs. You stop trying to convince yourself that red flags are really just pink flags. You stop settling.
Most importantly, you stop repeating the pattern.
Ready to Break Your Pattern?
If you're tired of the same disappointing relationships, if you're ready to stop dating the wrong people and start attracting the right ones, I'd love to talk with you.
I offer a complimentary 30-minute Discovery Call where we can explore your specific patterns and see if personal coaching is right for you. No pressure, no sales pitch—just an honest conversation about where you are and where you want to be.
You've spent enough years repeating the pattern. Isn't it time to break the cycle and find the extraordinary love you deserve?
Schedule Your Free 30-Minute Discovery Call Today
Because the only thing standing between you and a healthy, fulfilling relationship is recognizing—and breaking—the pattern that's been holding you back.
Rick Soetebier is a dating coach and author with more than a decade of experience helping midlife singles break free from destructive patterns and find extraordinary love after 40.