#455 - Does Online Dating Feel Like Window Shopping?
The other day I was scrolling through the profiles on a popular dating site. Some profiles I just scrolled through the photos. Others, I spend a little more time looking at the characteristics on the profile, age, height, religion, etc. Then with others I went even deeper by reading the profile.
What did they have to say? Did they share anything about themselves, was it a wish list of what they wanted, or was it a list of everything they didn’t want in a relationship.
All of this happens in usually a minute or less. And this got me to thinking about how much like window shopping this was. There was obviously no personal interaction. There was no way to really get to know someone unless you’re fortunate enough to both like each other and then the conversation can begin.
Some profiles look really bad and you know they’re an automatic NO! Others you look at and think, “I wonder if there is any possibility here.” And then others, you just know they’re a great match!
You swipe right on that profile and… nothing. You might even wonder “how could they not see what a great match we could be?”
But the reality is that we all have that special person we’re looking for. That relationship that will give you your last first kiss, the person that enhances your life like no other.
Now think of all the likes and friend requests you’ve received and how many of them you declined because you didn’t see a potential connection. It might have been looks, or an age difference, or pets, or lifestyle, or, or, or.
And finally, there are the connections. A conversation is started… and that’s a whole other topic of discussion. Do you connect quickly? Do they actively engage in the conversation or are they relying on you to carry the weight of asking all the questions?
To get past the window shopping feeling, a couple of things need to happen. First, there needs to be a mutual interest. There is little that will destroy a connection faster than to play the game of “Pursue Me”… at least for me. How about you?
This is the game where one person thinks that the other has to show they are a solid person worth their interest by initiating every conversation, asking every question, and putting in all the effort to show that they are worthy of your attention.
In today’s world, this is usually a pretty surefire way to end up alone.
Any solid relationship needs to start with mutual interest and mutual effort. If not, this is the beginning of a one-sided relationship. And the person that puts in the least amount of effort has all the power in that relationship.
But the deeper question might be this: Is online dating really the problem? Or is it simply revealing how selective and complex human relationships have always been?
When you think about it, meeting someone in real life isn’t all that different. Years ago you might have noticed someone across the room at church, at work, or at a social gathering. You made a quick judgment. Were you attracted? Did they seem interesting? Did you think there might be a connection?
Most of the time, nothing happened.
The difference today is that technology compresses the experience. Instead of seeing a few people in a room, you may see dozens of profiles in a matter of minutes. That can make the process feel transactional—even impersonal.
And when you’re on the receiving end of silence after showing interest, it’s easy to forget that the other person is going through the same process you are.
They’re scrolling.
They’re wondering.
They’re hoping.
They’re also trying to decide whether a small glimpse into someone’s life might be worth exploring further.
In other words, both people are window shopping.
That realization can be frustrating, but it can also be helpful. Because it reminds us that the purpose of online dating isn’t to prove our worth to strangers.
The purpose is simply to find the few people where curiosity exists on both sides.
That’s why mutual interest and mutual effort matter so much.
Healthy relationships don’t start with one person performing for the other. They start when two people are both willing to lean in just a little bit. To ask questions. To respond thoughtfully. To see if something real might develop.
And that’s something no algorithm can manufacture.
If you’re struggling with this whole dating process, it might be helpful to get another pair of eyes on what’s happening.
I offer a free 30-minute Discovery Call where we can talk about where you are today, what seems to be working for you, what isn’t, and whether personal coaching might be your next best step.
Sometimes a little clarity from the outside can make the entire process feel a lot less confusing.
Online dating may feel like window shopping at first. But every once in a while, two people pause long enough to step past the glass and start a conversation.
And that’s where the real discovery begins.