#447 - Part 2: How to Never Be "Hit On" Again (Even in Bars)
Last week, I explained the difference between being “hit on” and being “approached.”
After Part 1, a few people said, “It’s not about being hit on. I avoid bars because of drunks and the behavior that comes with them.”
That’s a fair concern.
Choosing not to be in environments that don’t align with your values is discernment.
Avoiding entire categories of social settings often reflects something else.
When I say “bars,” I’m not talking about noisy clubs at midnight. I’m talking about any social environment where adults gather and interaction happens. Wine bars, hotel lounges, restaurant bars, live music venues, charity events, even networking mixers.
A disrespectful drunk is not a dating opportunity. You don’t owe politeness, patience, or engagement to behavior that violates your standards.
But learning how to disengage cleanly and confidently is very different from deciding not to show up at all.
You don’t have to put yourself in environments that don’t align with your values.
But you also don’t need to design your life around avoiding other people’s lack of self-control.
Today, let's talk about how to ensure you're approached with respect wherever you are.
Here's the truth most dating coaches won't tell you: You teach people how to treat you in the first ten seconds of interaction.
In my coaching practice, I see women who are so afraid of seeming rude that they accidentally encourage the very behavior they're trying to avoid. They smile through discomfort. They answer invasive questions. They treat boundary-crossing as politeness tests they need to pass.
Stop it.
You're not avoiding being hit on; you're choosing who earns your attention.
Let me share what I teach my clients: a simple system for filtering approaches in real-time.
The 10-Second Assessment
Within ten seconds, you know whether someone is "hitting on" you or approaching you. Look for:
Green flags: Eye contact with a genuine smile (not a leer). Respects your physical space. Asks actual questions about your life. Uses your name after learning it. Accepts redirection gracefully.
Red flags: Comments about your body. Stands too close or blocks your exit. Monologues about himself. Treats your "no thanks" as negotiation. Makes you responsible for his feelings.
The Power of the Neutral Response
When someone approaches you, you don't owe them enthusiasm. Start neutral. Let them earn warmth through respectful behavior. I tell clients to think of it like a restaurant: Just because the waiter brings you a menu doesn't mean you have to order anything.
This neutrality does something powerful. It immediately filters out men who feel entitled to your attention versus those genuinely interested in connecting.
The Three-Sentence Boundary
Here's a script I've given hundreds of women:
- "Thanks, but I'm not interested."
- "I'm sure you're great, but it's not a match for me."
- "I need to go now."
If he's still talking after sentence three, he's shown you everything you need to know about his respect for boundaries.
The Deeper Truth
When clients tell me they don't want to be "hit on," what they're usually saying is: "I don't trust my ability to handle unwanted attention."
But here's what changes everything: Every approach is practice. Every interaction builds your boundary muscle. Every "no thanks" you deliver makes you stronger.
I've been single for 16 years. I've navigated every kind of approach imaginable. The men who "hit on" women aren't looking for confident, boundaried partners. They're looking for people-pleasers who won't call them on their behavior. When you show up differently, you get treated differently.
Stop giving away your power to geography. A disrespectful man at church is no better than a disrespectful man at a bar. A respectful approach at a wine tasting is just as valid as one at a book club.
The issue isn't where you go. It's how you show up when you get there.
Your New Mindset:
Instead of: "I avoid bars so I don't get hit on" Try: "I go where I want and handle whatever comes up"
Instead of: "I hate unwanted attention" Try: "I decide whose attention has value"
Instead of: "Men always/never..." Try: "This specific man is showing me who he is"
The women who find extraordinary love after 40 aren't hiding from approaches. They're not limiting themselves to "safe" venues. They're showing up fully as themselves, maintaining strong boundaries, and filtering quickly and effectively.
You don't need to avoid being hit on. You need to become someone who naturally repels disrespect and attracts genuine interest. That's not about location. It's about energy, confidence, and clarity.
Ready to transform your dating mindset and attract the respectful attention you deserve? Take my quiz "What's Really Standing Between You and the Relationship You Deserve?" and get personalized insights for your dating journey. Click here to start your quiz now.