#446 - Part 1: The Real Reason Women Avoid Bars (And Why It's Based on a Misunderstanding)
"I don't go to bars anymore. I don't want to be hit on."
In my decade of coaching midlife singles, I hear this from nearly every female client over 45. They've written off entire venues because they're avoiding uncomfortable approaches from men.
Here's what's actually happening: These women are conflating two completely different experiences and making dating decisions based on that confusion.
There's a massive difference between being "hit on" and being "approached."
Being hit on is what happens when someone treats you as interchangeable. Any warm body would do. It's the guy who comments on your body before knowing your name, who corners you at the bar, who treats your "no thanks" as the opening round of negotiations. Research from communication studies confirms what women instinctively know: these approaches focus on the approacher's goals, not mutual interest.
Being approached, on the other hand, is when someone expresses genuine interest in you as a specific person. They maintain respectful physical distance. They ask questions about your life, not your measurements. They gracefully accept it if you're not interested.
I see clients who've been out of the dating world for years, sometimes decades, after divorce or loss. They remember uncomfortable bar experiences from their twenties and assume nothing's changed. But here's what they're missing: They're different now.
A confident woman in her fifties with strong boundaries and life experience doesn't receive approaches the same way she did at twenty-five. She's less likely to smile politely through discomfort. She's more likely to shut down disrespect immediately. And frankly, she's more likely to attract men who've also matured beyond the "hit on everything that moves" phase.
The Stanford "How Couples Meet" study reveals something fascinating: Only 27% of couples who met in the 2010s met in bars or restaurants. For the 45+ demographic? That number drops to 15-20%.
So why am I defending bars?
Because when you say "I don't go to bars to avoid being hit on," you're not really talking about bars. You're talking about avoiding any situation where someone might express interest in you. I've watched clients use this same logic to avoid social events, hobby groups, even grocery shopping during peak hours.
The venue isn't your problem. Your filter is.
Women who successfully navigate midlife dating don't avoid approaches. They've learned to quickly sort them. They can spot the difference between a man who's interested in them versus a man who's interested in anyone. They recognize respect versus entitlement in the first thirty seconds of conversation.
More importantly, they understand that every approach, respectful or not, is data. It tells them about the approacher, sure, but it also gives them practice maintaining boundaries, communicating standards, and honoring their own instincts.
When you avoid all venues where approaches might happen, you're not protecting yourself. You're hiding. And hiding is not a dating strategy that works for finding extraordinary love after 40.
The distinction between being hit on and being approached isn't just semantics. It's about recognizing when someone sees you as a person versus an opportunity. Once you understand that difference, you can stop giving your power to locations and start putting it back where it belongs: in your own capable hands.
Ready to shift your dating mindset and start attracting the right kind of attention? Take my quiz "What's Really Standing Between You and the Relationship You Deserve?" and discover what's actually holding you back from finding extraordinary love after 40. Click here to start your quiz now.