#439 - You Have Work To Do
Over the past few months, I’ve watched dating and relationship commentary explode online. A lot of it is people pointing fingers—women criticizing women, men criticizing men, and everyone critiquing what the “other side” should be doing. Most of it comes from younger crowds, but let’s be honest: some of that mindset spills right over into midlife dating too.
And while some of it contains a grain of truth, here’s the reality most people avoid: it takes two to tango.
This morning, as I stood at my kitchen sink finishing last night’s dishes, something hit me hard: you have work to do.
Not because you’re broken. Not because you’re unlovable. But because most of the so-called “experts” out there are ignoring the most crucial ingredient in a healthy relationship:
Emotional maturity.
The Missing Piece: Your Internal Audit
For all the videos, blogs, and podcasts flooding your feed, very few encourage an honest look inward. It’s always about what someone else needs to fix.
But let me ask you something—and be brutally honest with yourself:
When was the last time you asked yourself what you contributed when a relationship ended?
If your answer is “never,” you have work to do.
When was the last time you sat down and explored why you feel hurt, resentful, lonely, angry, disappointed, or ashamed… instead of immediately blaming your ex?
If the answer is “rarely,” the work is waiting.
This isn’t about guilt. It’s about personal power.
Vanessa Van Edwards teaches that people respond to a blend of warmth and competence—authenticity paired with emotional responsibility. That’s emotional maturity in action. It’s the ability to stop pointing outward and start looking inward with honesty and self-respect.
Taking Responsibility Changes Everything
I’m not speaking from an ivory tower here. I’ve been divorced for more than 16 years, and I’ve had my share of mistakes, heartbreaks, blind spots, and personal growth moments. I’ve stayed too long, ignored my intuition, tried to “fix” potential partners, and avoided hard conversations because it felt easier in the moment.
It’s always simple to see what others did wrong. That’s human. But it’s not growth.
Growth is asking:
What choices did I make that didn’t serve me?
What patterns did I repeat?
What red flags did I ignore because I didn’t want to start over?
And here’s the uncomfortable truth:
Every relationship you’ve ever been in has one common denominator—YOU.
Not as a punishment. As empowerment. Because if you were part of the pattern, you can be part of the solution.
The Choices We Don’t Want to Admit
Every day in dating, we’re making choices—who to see, what behavior to accept, what boundaries to uphold, what conversations we avoid, and which red flags we talk ourselves out of.
How many times has your gut whispered, “Something’s off,” but you ignored it because you were lonely, hopeful, or tired of the dating cycle?
Taking responsibility means acknowledging those choices—not with shame, but with clarity.
If you chose poorly before… you can choose better next time.
But honesty has to come first.
Why Clarity Beats Hope
Here’s a truth people avoid:
You don’t need to be perfectly healed to start dating again.
No one is fully healed. No one is flawless. But you do need to be growing—emotionally, spiritually, mentally—and you need a partner who’s growing too.
Two emotionally aware people who show up honestly, support each other, communicate openly, and take responsibility for their part can build an extraordinary relationship, even while they’re still healing.
What doesn’t work is when one person carries the emotional weight while the other avoids their growth entirely. That’s how resentment, imbalance, and heartbreak form.
This season of your life is a powerful opportunity. While you’re single, this is the ideal time to get emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy. The strongest relationships happen between two people who’ve already done enough internal work to show up with clarity and emotional stability.
And growth isn’t just healing from the past. It’s also about getting crystal clear on what you actually need—not what sounds good, not what Instagram says you should want, not what you hope someone will magically become.
Too many people date with vague hopes instead of clear requirements.
Hope is not a strategy.
Compatibility is.
Your Next Step Starts With Clarity
Taking responsibility for your relationship future begins with one foundational step:
knowing your non-negotiables before you get emotionally invested.
That’s exactly why I created The Must Have & Deal Breaker Blueprint for Midlife Singles.
It’s not a cute checklist or a generic list of traits. It’s a clarity tool built around your values, your experiences, and the specific relationship ingredients that will actually create a fulfilling partnership for you.
When you know exactly what you need—and what you will no longer tolerate—you start making better decisions right from the beginning.
You stop wasting time.
You stop settling.
You stop rationalizing red flags.
You start recognizing the right person faster.
Ready to take responsibility for the relationship you truly want?
Download your free copy of The Must Have & Deal Breaker Blueprint for Midlife Singles and start making intentional choices that lead to extraordinary love.
The best relationships don’t happen by accident.
They happen when two emotionally mature people make conscious, aligned choices.
It’s time to make yours.