#434 - You Know What You Don't Want. But Do You Know What You DO Want?
Here's what's interesting: I've worked with hundreds of midlife singles over the past decade, and I can predict with about 90% accuracy what will happen in our first conversation.
I'll ask, "What are you looking for in a partner?"
And they'll tell me everything they don't want.
"Not someone who's controlling." "Not a workaholic." "No drama." "Nobody who's still hung up on their ex."
Sound familiar?
Here's the wake-up call: Knowing what you don't want is not a dating strategy. It's a defense mechanism.
And if you've been divorced or widowed for more than a couple of years, actively dating but getting nowhere? This is likely why.
The Problem With the "Not" List
Let me tell you about Janet (not her real name). She'd been divorced for eight years when we started working together. She was attractive, successful, and had been on dozens of dates. But every relationship fizzled out within a few months.
When I asked her what she wanted, she gave me her standard list: "Someone who's not cheap, not boring, not emotionally unavailable..."
I stopped her. "Janet, if I told you to go to the grocery store and bring back everything that's NOT an apple, what would you come home with?"
She laughed. "Everything else in the store."
Exactly.
When you only know what you don't want, you're shopping blind. You're swiping right on anyone who doesn't immediately trigger your red flags. You're giving second and third chances to people who are simply "not terrible."
That's not how you find love. That's how you waste years of your life.
Why Most Midlife Singles Get This Wrong
If you made bad decisions in your past relationship, I get it. You're trying to protect yourself. You've learned painful lessons, and you don't want to repeat them.
But here's the truth: You can't create a fulfilling future by only avoiding the past.
Your ex was controlling? Fine. But what DO you want instead? Someone who respects your independence? Someone who celebrates your goals? Someone who asks for your input on decisions?
See the difference? One keeps you stuck in the past. The other pulls you toward the future you actually want.
The Shift That Changes Everything
The most successful daters I've coached all made the same shift. They stopped running away from what they didn't want and started running toward what they did want.
They created two specific lists:
Must-Haves: The non-negotiable qualities and values you need in a partner Deal-Breakers: The genuine red flags that mean this person isn't right for you
Notice those are different from a "not" list. Deal-breakers are specific. Must-haves are positive and clear.
When Sarah (another client) finally created her lists, she had a revelation. "I've been dating men who were 'nice enough,'" she told me. "But none of them had the emotional depth I need. I didn't even know I needed it until I wrote it down."
Six months later, she met someone who checked her must-have boxes. They've been together for three years.
Your Next Step
If you're ready to stop spinning your wheels and start dating with clarity and purpose, I've created something specifically for you.
The Must-Have and Deal-Breaker Blueprint for Midlife Singles is a proven framework that helps you:
- Identify your true must-haves (not just the opposite of your past mistakes)
- Distinguish between deal-breakers and preferences
- Create a clear, positive vision of the relationship you want
- Date with confidence and direction
This isn't about being picky. It's about being clear.
And here's what happens when you get clear: You stop wasting time on the wrong people. You recognize the right person faster. You show up to dates with confidence because you know what you're looking for.
Download the Must-Have and Deal-Breaker Blueprint here: https://www.ricksoetebier.com/must-have-&-deal-breaker-blueprint
Take 20 minutes this week to work through it. I promise you, it will change how you date.
Because you deserve more than "not terrible."
You deserve exactly what you want.