#431 - Dating After 40: Finding Love, Not Leftovers
I see so many posts like this one that make light of dating. They compare dating to shopping in a thrift store or trying to find a cart at the grocery store that doesn't have a broken wheel.
Yes, I know these are supposed to be humorous and make us chuckle. And honestly, I get it – dating after 40 can feel overwhelming, especially when you're navigating apps for the first time or haven't been on a first date in decades. But I look at these memes a little differently. I look at the underlying message they send, almost subliminally. They say that dating in midlife is hard and generally not worth the effort unless you want to accept someone that's broken and dysfunctional.
Being a dating coach, I see things quite a bit differently. The things we continually tell ourselves becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you keep telling yourself that all the good ones are taken or everyone is broken and it's not worth my time, guess what? You're right!
The problem is that if you want to find bad things, you can find them. But if you want to find good things, you can find them too. This isn't rocket science, well, maybe it is a little.
Your brain will believe whatever you tell it. It's called the Reticular Activating System and it helps you focus on whatever you want to believe.
The Science Behind What You See
The Reticular Activating System (RAS) is a network of neurons in your brainstem that acts like a filter for the millions of pieces of information your brain processes every day. Think of it as your brain's personal search engine – it finds evidence to support whatever you're looking for.
Here's how it works in dating: If you wake up every morning telling yourself "There are no good men/women left at my age," your RAS gets to work. It will highlight every disappointing profile, every cancelled date, every person who doesn't text back. It literally filters out contradictory evidence – like the thoughtful messages, the genuine connections, the people who are also looking for something real.
But here's the exciting part: you can reprogram your RAS by changing what you focus on.
A Real-World Example
Let me share a story about Sarah, a 52-year-old divorced teacher I worked with. She came to me convinced that "all the emotionally available men her age were married." For three months on dating apps, this seemed to prove true. Every man she met was either recently divorced and not ready, or had commitment issues.
We worked together to shift her RAS programming. Instead of looking for red flags and unavailability, she started focusing on green flags – men who were curious about her life, who asked thoughtful questions, who had done their own emotional work. Within six weeks of this shift, she met David, a 55-year-old widower who was intentionally looking for a life partner. They've been together two years now.
The men like David were always there. Sarah's RAS just wasn't tuned to notice them.
Actionable Step: The Green Flag Exercise
Here's something you can do today to start reprogramming your RAS:
Create your "Green Flag List." Write down 10 positive qualities you want in a partner. Not physical attributes, but character traits, values, and behaviors. Examples: "Communicates openly," "Has a sense of humor," "Shows genuine interest in my thoughts," "Is emotionally self-aware."
Now, for the next week, deliberately look for these qualities in every interaction – not just dates, but conversations with the barista, your neighbor, people in your hobby groups. Train your brain to notice emotional intelligence, kindness, and authenticity wherever it appears.
When you do go on dates or browse profiles, read with your Green Flag List in mind. Ask yourself: "What positive qualities is this person showing me?" instead of "What's wrong with them?"
The Abundance Mindset Shift
Dating after 40 isn't about settling for damaged goods. It's about connecting with people who, like you, have lived enough life to know what matters. Yes, we all have history, experiences, and lessons learned. But that's not damage – that's wisdom.
The dating pool at 40+ is full of people who've raised children, built careers, overcome challenges, and figured out who they are. These aren't consolation prizes; they're the main event.
When you shift from scarcity thinking ("I have to take whatever I can get") to abundance thinking ("There are wonderful people out there looking for someone just like me"), your entire dating experience transforms.
Your Love Story Isn't Over
That meme about thrift store shopping? It's based on the false premise that anything good is already taken and what's left is somehow lesser. But in the real world of dating after 40, many of the most amazing people are just becoming available. They're finishing raising kids, ending marriages that weren't right, or simply ready for love after focusing on other priorities.
Your love story isn't a comedy of errors or a treasure hunt through damaged goods. It's a story of two whole people choosing to build something beautiful together.
So the next time you see one of these memes, maybe give it a chuckle, then remember: your RAS is listening. What do you want it to find?
The answer to that question could transform everything. If you're ready to stop repeating the same dating patterns and finally reprogram your mindset for love, there's never been a better time to start. My 8-week Extraordinary Love After 40 coaching program begins October 1st, which means you could walk into the holiday season with a completely new outlook on love. Spots are filling fast—this could be your moment to finally change your story.
✨ Imagine entering the holidays excited about love, not dreading them alone.
The Extraordinary Love After 40 coaching program starts October 1st, 2025. Over 8 weeks, you'll gain clarity, confidence, and the tools to finally break free from old patterns. Join now and you'll be ready for a brand-new dating experience by the time the holidays arrive. Why wait another year feeling stuck when you could be celebrating real progress?