#429 - The Danger of Skipping Due Diligence in Dating
Some days I just want to scream and throw things at my computer! I see guys posting “dating advice” for women that makes it sound like women can do nothing wrong in a relationship. According to them, it’s always the man’s job to do all the emotional work to keep things together.
One so-called “coach” even said, “If he cheats, it’s not her fault.”
Now wait a minute! Cheating is never okay, but let’s be real—it takes two people to make or break a relationship. In my years of coaching (and in my own personal experience), I’ve observed this over and over again: when things aren’t right at home, someone is more likely to step outside the relationship. That doesn’t excuse the betrayal, but it does point to a deeper problem that didn’t just appear overnight.
If you’re lucky, one or both of you will recognize the issues before cheating becomes the focal point. Even better? You’ll turn toward each other and work through the problems instead of avoiding them. That’s what healthy couples do.
But here’s the truth that most people don’t want to hear: the majority of troubled relationships don’t just happen. They start because one—or both—people failed to do their due diligence before committing.
The Danger of Skipping Due Diligence
Too often, people rush into relationships without taking the time to really observe who their partner is. Sure, you had fun dates, you laughed together, and you saw qualities you liked. Maybe you even shared chemistry that felt electric. That’s all great… but it’s not the whole picture.
What gets ignored are the little red flags, the subtle habits, or the lifestyle differences that eventually become impossible to live with. And if you did notice them? You probably told yourself one of three lies:
- “I can live with that.”
- “I can change him/her.”
- “He/she will change to make me happy.”
Spoiler alert: they won’t. And chances are, your partner was telling themselves the exact same lies about you.
This is why so many marriages start on shaky ground. Statistics suggest that about 50% end in divorce, but what often goes unspoken is that another large percentage—easily 30–35%—are “just okay” marriages. They don’t end legally, but they limp along without joy or deep connection.
If you don’t believe me, think about your group of friends. How often do you hear husbands and wives complain about each other? How often do you hear someone say, “Well, he’s not perfect, but I guess this is as good as it gets”?
That’s not partnership. That’s settling.
Living With Someone Who Doesn’t Live Up to Your Expectations
Part of the problem is that in the early stages of dating, we create an idealized image of our partner. We see what we want to see. We project potential onto them instead of evaluating who they truly are in the present.
And when they inevitably fail to meet those expectations, resentment builds.
I’ve been there myself. In my marriage, I saw potential in my ex-wife that she never saw in herself. I believed she could step into bigger responsibilities, grow personally, and take on more. But that wasn’t her desire. She never wanted what I wanted for her—and it wasn’t fair of me to expect it.
That mismatch of vision, values, and goals was one of many cracks in the foundation of our marriage. And it all could have been avoided had we both been more honest with ourselves—and each other—before walking down the aisle.
Why Compatibility Matters More Than “Fixing Things Later”
Here’s the bottom line: it’s not enough to just be attracted to someone. Long-term success in relationships comes when both people share a strong foundation of commonalities—values, goals, faith, lifestyle, even outlook on life.
That doesn’t mean you have to be identical. Differences can add richness and growth. But your core alignment has to be strong enough to weather the storms.
When couples neglect this step—when they don’t take the time to vet compatibility, to ask the hard questions, and to observe patterns—they often end up in relationships that require massive amounts of repair later. And “fixing” a broken marriage is far harder, and far more painful, than doing the work of discernment in the dating phase.
The Truth About Responsibility
The most successful relationships don’t happen because one person carries the emotional weight. They thrive because both partners accept equal responsibility for the relationship. Both show up. Both communicate. Both adjust when necessary.
And here’s the payoff: when you put in the work up front—when you date intentionally, when you stop ignoring red flags, and when you build on genuine compatibility—you don’t just avoid a mediocre relationship. You set yourself up for an extraordinary one.
Final Thought
It may sound blunt, but it’s the truth: most relationships that fail were never set up to succeed in the first place. If you want to save yourself years of frustration, heartbreak, or divorce court, stop treating dating like a game of chance.
Do your due diligence. Take your time. Ask the tough questions. And remember: a great relationship isn’t built by one person doing all the work—it’s built by two people who share values, dreams, and respect, and who choose to walk the road together.
Because in love, just like in life, prevention is always better than repair.
Ready to stop repeating old dating patterns and finally move forward with clarity?
Book your free 30-minute Discovery Call today. Together we’ll uncover what’s been holding you back, identify the patterns keeping you stuck, and create a plan to date with confidence and intention. Coaching isn’t about finding someone for you—it’s about helping you become clear, confident, and proactive so you’re in the best position to find the relationship you truly deserve.