#428 - The Longer You Entertain What's Not for You, The Longer You Postpone What Is
A couple of weeks ago I posted this meme on Facebook. The original intent was to get people to think about the relationships they're in and if they know, deep down, that it's the wrong relationship, it's time to move on. After posting that, I was struck with another possibility. What if we're hanging on to being single for the same reason? What if being single has become so comfortable that it is dwarfing our desire to fulfill a deep yearning for companionship?
Let me be direct: if you've been single for years and claim you're "happy" but secretly wonder why you can't find someone, you might be lying to yourself.
The Comfort Trap
Here's what I've observed in over a decade of coaching: many long-term single people have built elaborate fortresses around their solitude. They've mastered the art of solo dinners, weekend routines that revolve around nobody but themselves, and decision-making that never requires consultation. They've become so proficient at being alone that dating feels like learning a foreign language they once knew but have forgotten.
Sound familiar? It should, because I'm describing myself as much as my clients.
Personally, I've been single for 16 years. In that time I've dated regularly and I've also taken breaks for various reasons. I find that the longer the break I take, the harder it is to restart dating because I get comfortable in my own routines. The remote control stays on my shows. The thermostat remains at my preferred temperature. My schedule bends to no one else's needs.
And therein lies the trap.
The Unspoken Truth
What you won't admit—even to yourself—is that this comfort has become your excuse. You've convinced yourself that you're "selective" when you're actually scared. You tell friends you're "focusing on yourself" when you're really avoiding the vulnerability that comes with opening your heart to someone new.
You've made being single your identity instead of your temporary status.
Think about it: when was the last time you actively pursued someone who genuinely excited you? When did you last feel that flutter of anticipation before a first date? If you're struggling to remember, you're not being selective—you're being self-protective to the point of self-sabotage.
The Hidden Cost
Here's what that comfort is really costing you: authentic connection, shared experiences, someone to celebrate your wins and support you through challenges. You're trading the profound joy of partnership for the shallow satisfaction of control.
Yes, being single has its advantages. But if you find yourself defending your single status with a list of reasons why relationships are "too much work" or why you "haven't found the right person," ask yourself this: Are these genuine preferences, or are they carefully constructed walls designed to keep anyone from getting too close?
The Uncomfortable Questions
It's time for some brutal honesty:
Are you actually happy being single, or have you just gotten really good at convincing yourself you are? Are you truly waiting for "the right person," or are you waiting for someone so perfect they'll never actually exist? Have you become so set in your ways that you can't imagine making room for another person in your life?
If these questions make you squirm, good. They should.
Breaking the Pattern
The longer you entertain the comfort of prolonged singleness—when what you really want is companionship—the longer you postpone the relationship that could transform your life. Just like staying in the wrong relationship prevents the right one from arriving, staying comfortable in singleness can prevent you from doing the vulnerable work necessary to build something meaningful with someone else.
Change requires discomfort. Growth demands that you leave familiar territory. If you've been single for years and part of you yearns for more, it's time to challenge the comfortable narrative you've created about why you're still alone.
Take Action
The question isn't whether you deserve love—you do. The question is whether you're brave enough to pursue it, even when it means disrupting the comfortable life you've built around being alone.
If you're ready to challenge your comfortable singleness and move your dating life forward, let's talk. Schedule a free 30-minute Discovery Call to determine if personal coaching may be helpful in breaking through the patterns that have kept you stuck.
Because the life you're meant to live—with the person you're meant to love—is waiting on the other side of your comfort zone.