#427 - How to Start Dating After Divorce (Using the FBI’s Friendship Formula)
Starting over in the dating world at 45, 55, or beyond can feel overwhelming. Whether you're divorced or widowed, the landscape has changed dramatically since you last dated. But here's the good news: you have something younger daters don't—life experience, emotional maturity, and authentic confidence. Even better, there's a proven formula for making genuine connections that comes from an unexpected source: the FBI.
When I read Jack Schafer's "The Like Switch," I had a fascinating revelation. The friendship formula that this former FBI agent used to build rapport with targets was remarkably similar to strategies I've been teaching clients for over a decade—techniques that consistently help people form meaningful connections. The difference? Schafer's approach gave me the scientific framework to understand why these methods work so powerfully.
This isn't about manipulation or playing games—it's about understanding the psychology of human connection. For midlife singles, this approach is perfect because it focuses on building authentic relationships rather than superficial attraction.
The Friendship Formula: Your New Dating Blueprint
Schafer's friendship formula is elegantly simple: Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity = Friendship. Let's break down how this works in real-world dating scenarios for the 45-70 crowd.
Proximity means being physically near someone regularly. For midlife singles, this isn't about hanging out at college bars. Instead, think about places where you naturally spend time or want to spend time. Join a hiking group, volunteer at a cause you care about, take a cooking class, or become a regular at a coffee shop near work. The key is consistency—showing up in the same spaces repeatedly.
Frequency builds on proximity. It's not enough to attend one book club meeting; you need to become a familiar face. Research shows that people tend to like others they see regularly, even without interaction. This is called the mere exposure effect, and it's your secret weapon for organic connections.
Duration refers to the length of time you spend with someone during each encounter. Start small—a brief chat while waiting for yoga class to begin, a longer conversation during the coffee break at your photography workshop. As comfort builds, these interactions naturally extend. Don't rush this process; let it unfold organically.
Intensity is about the emotional depth of your interactions. This doesn't mean sharing your life story on day one. Instead, gradually reveal appropriate personal details and show genuine interest in the other person. Ask thoughtful follow-up questions. Remember details from previous conversations. Share a meaningful smile or laugh together.
Putting the Formula Into Action
At Social Events: Whether it's a community fundraiser, a wine tasting, or a local lecture series, apply the formula strategically. Don't try to work the entire room. Instead, have meaningful conversations with 2-3 people. Exchange contact information naturally by suggesting you'd enjoy continuing the conversation over coffee.
Through Organic Encounters: The grocery store, dog park, library, or farmer's market all offer opportunities. The secret is becoming a regular who's genuinely friendly and approachable. Strike up brief, positive conversations without any agenda. Remember names. Ask about their weekend plans or comment on their book choice. These micro-interactions build the foundation for something deeper.
In Group Activities: Join groups aligned with your interests—not just to meet people, but because you genuinely enjoy the activity. This takes the pressure off and ensures you'll have natural conversation topics. The shared experience creates instant common ground and accelerates the friendship formula.
The Midlife Advantage
Remember, you're not competing with 25-year-olds on dating apps. You're connecting with peers who value substance over superficiality. They appreciate genuine interest, emotional availability, and authentic conversation—all areas where your life experience gives you a significant advantage.
Here's what I've observed working with hundreds of midlife clients: most people think dating success comes from having the perfect profile, saying the right pickup lines, or following generic advice they found online. But real connection happens when you understand the deeper psychology of how attraction and trust actually develop. The FBI figured this out for relationship building in high-stakes situations—and the same principles apply beautifully to dating.
Your goal isn't to impress everyone; it's to find someone compatible who appreciates who you've become. The friendship formula helps you showcase your authentic self while building real connections based on shared interests and values.
Moving Forward with Confidence
The beauty of Schafer's approach is that it removes the artificial pressure of "dating." Instead, you're simply building friendships that may naturally evolve into something more. This takes the desperation out of the equation and allows your genuine personality to shine.
What most people don't realize is that successful dating isn't about luck or having perfect timing—it's about understanding and applying proven psychological principles consistently. When you know how human connection actually works, you stop leaving your love life to chance and start creating the conditions for meaningful relationships to flourish.
Start small. Choose one or two activities or venues where you can consistently apply the proximity and frequency elements. Focus on being genuinely interested in others rather than trying to be interesting. Trust the process and give it time to work.
Your second act love story is waiting to unfold. It just requires the right approach, consistent effort, and the confidence to put yourself out there authentically.
Ready to explore what's possible for your dating life? If you're curious whether personalized coaching could help you apply these principles to your unique situation, I invite you to schedule a complimentary 30-minute discovery call. This isn't a strategy session—it's an opportunity for me to learn about your current dating challenges and frustrations, and for us both to determine if we'd be a good fit to work together. While I can't provide comprehensive strategies in a single call, I will share one actionable tip you can use immediately, regardless of whether we decide to work together. Schedule your discovery call here to see if personalized guidance is right for your next chapter.