#314 - Breaking up sucks... but sometimes it has to be done.

One of the hardest things about dating is thinking you’ve found your special someone only to have that relationship come to an end.

It doesn’t make any difference why you’re breaking up. It still hurts. Even leaving the most abusive relationships is going to hurt.

It doesn’t seem to make any sense that it hurts to leave a bad relationship but it does.

Ending a relationship, even a short one can be emotionally brutal. I wish I could just wave a magic wand over everyone that goes through it and make everything better…or at least easier.

At the beginning of a relationship everything is new and exciting. You’re learning about each other, you’re doing fun things together, and you have someone special to do things with.

As your relationship progresses you start to develop feelings for each other and the longer you’re together the deeper those feelings can grow.

This can be a time of great deception.
This is the time when you really have to pay attention to what’s happening within your relationship.

It can be so easy to develop deep feelings for someone in a very short time. These are the feelings of connectedness, attachment, and even love.

It’s during this time of infatuation that it’s so easy to miss the signs that something may not be right within your relationship.

You may feel totally connected to your new love. But is the connection running both ways?

When you’re in love you just assume that they feel the same. After all, you’re having a great time together and everything seems right with the world.

This is where problems usually start. It’s always good to step back from all the emotions that are running through you. You know…the warm fuzzy feelings you have from having someone to share life with.

You may ask, Rick, why should I be looking for problems when I don’t see any?

Great question. To begin with, you should want to keep yourself from being blindsided by a partner that isn’t fully emotionally invested in your relationship. You can’t do this when you’re not paying attention.

Next, pay attention to any questioning thoughts you have about your partner. By this I mean if you have some nagging feeling or they’ve said something that just isn’t sitting right with you.

These may be signs that something is amiss. If you start having these thoughts or feelings then it’s time to talk. Let him or her know what’s on your mind.

Depending on their level of emotional maturity, they may or may not be open to sharing their true thoughts.

Follow your senses.
This is important for a couple of reasons. If you’re starting to sense that something is wrong, there usually is a problem lurking around the corner.

Even if you can’t put your finger on it, trust your instincts. They’re not usually wrong.

Don’t let great sex get in the way of making good decisions. Jumping into bed to early will only make the break-up even harder because hormones have further deepened your emotional connection to each other.

Don’t try to fix them or force a relationship to work.
One of the worst things I see happen is when people try to fix a broken partner. You can’t fix what you didn’t break. It never works. You’re trying to change someone to fit a mold you’ve created.

Another huge issue is staying too long. When you recognize that this relationship isn’t going to last, don’t continue to invest time and emotional energy on a lost cause.

Ladies, you’re the worst at this. For some reason you find great self-satisfaction in putting in 110% into a broken relationship just for the right to say you gave it your all.

Stop it! You’ve just wasted months, if not years, hanging on to a relationship that just wasn’t right for you.

All of this leads to deepening the hurt when it ends.
I agree that you need to put in some effort to make a relationship work. However, there comes a time when you have to make an adult decision that is best for you.

When you spend time nurturing a relationship that you instinctively know isn’t right for you, you’re only deepening your emotional connection that will eventually create a deeper wound when the relationship ends.

Stop second guessing your decisions.
Second guessing yourself is like pouring gasoline on a fire. It only causes self-doubt and continues to fan the flames of the emotional connections you need to break.

I spent nearly two years second guessing my decision to get a divorce. In the end I recognized I had made the right decision.

Those two years cost me a lot of emotional distress over a decision that had already been made and settled.

Ending a relationship is emotional even if you’ve only had a few dates. Avoid dwelling on your decisions and wondering if you made the right one. Accept the fact that you made a decision and move on. You’ll discover that in the long run it was the right one.

If you need help I have resources for you.

My book, Dating Backward, is a great resource to start with. In it you’ll learn (or relearn) the basics of dating and the fundamentals of all great relationships.

You can order it directly from my website, RickSoetebier.com or from Amazon.com.

I hope I’ve given you some ideas to make healthier dating and relationship decisions today. Have a great and blessed day.