#306 - Would you talk to your friends the way you talk to yourself?

communication connection dating positive attitude

If you’re anything like the people that responded to that question on my Facebook page, the answer is “Absolutely not!”

Yet most of you seem to not forgive yourselves for the same mistakes that others make. You think that you somehow have to be better than that.

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For many years I lived in fear that I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t a good enough father, I wasn’t a good enough provider, I wasn’t a good enough businessman, I wasn’t a good enough friend.

You name it, I wasn’t good enough. Yet if you asked anyone around me, they would say I was doing great.

I eventually overcame those fears. From time to time they pop up, but in general, they’re pretty much under control.

We all tell ourselves stories and they’re usually negative ones.
They usually sound something like this. I can’t do something because…

I’m too old. I’m not old enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m too short. I’m too tall. I can’t afford it. It cost too much. I’m not talented enough. I’ve never done that before. I’m afraid of what might others might say.

You might even say something like: How could I be so stupid? I’m such an idiot. What was I thinking?

Do any of these sound familiar? When you continually run yourself down, your excuses become your reality and your comfort zone. It’s hard to escape the cumulative effect of your negative attitude.

When you’re mired in false or negative beliefs, you’re stuck in life. You’re telling yourself it can never get any better.

The reality is that sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Our brains are an amazing organ yet they can’t distinguish between reality and thoughts you continually feed it.

If you frown, your brain automatically reacts to that and you feel upset. Put a smile on your face and your brain automatically makes you start to feel better. If you doubt me, just try it.

Your brain believes whatever you tell it and it will search for information to confirm that thought.

For example, if you keep saying that all the good ones are taken, your brain will find all the examples you’ve experienced to prove it.

Remember the handsome guy you struck up a conversation with at Starbucks. It felt like you were really connecting and then you found out he was married.

Remember that beautiful woman you met that was out with her girlfriends? You had a great conversation and then you discovered she had a boyfriend waiting at home.

These are the kinds of evidence your brain will come up with to reinforce your thoughts that all the good ones are taken.

When you ask yourself questions like “why am I so stupid?” your brain will start to come up with all kinds of reasons.

When you change your thoughts, you change your future.
I’ll give you some examples of what I’m talking about based on some of the most common negative dating comments I hear.

“Online dating isn’t for me. There are too many scammers online.”
Yes, there are scammers online and they are willing to take advantage of men and women alike.

But not everyone online is a scammer. YOU have to become better at detecting fact from fiction. You might ask yourself the question; how do I become better at detecting scammers? Or, how can I rewrite my profile to be less attractive to the riff raff online?

“There are no good men left.” Or “All the good women are already taken.”
If this is what you sincerely believe that means that no one anywhere will find their soul mate…ever!

The reality is people find their soul mates every day. You just haven’t found yours yet…and you won’t if you’re convinced that all the good ones are taken. Start asking yourself questions like; where would I be hanging out if I were the person of my dreams?

“My relationship isn’t great, but if I leave I might not find anyone better.”
You’re convincing yourself that you’re not worthy or good enough to have everything you want in a relationship. Your fear is keeping you stuck.

Just because you’ve never seen a million dollars or the Northern Lights, does that mean they don’t exist? No. You just haven’t seen them yet.

The same holds true for extraordinary relationships. They’re just more difficult to find than an everyday mediocre relationship. If it were easy, everyone would be with their soul mate.

“All men lie.” Or “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
If this is your belief, then I’m guessing you’ve been lied to or cheated on. This is a belief based on limited experience because you haven’t dated ALL the available men.

Ladies please remember, men say the same thing about you. Assigning a global view to all men or all women is a guarantee you’ll fail at dating and all your relationships.

When you start to ask better questions, you’ll start to get better answers.
Rather than tell yourself that all men or women lie, ask yourself, “where are all the great ones hanging out?”

Sadly, some of you are so convinced of your negative reality that you’re going to write me and tell me “Yeah, but my situation is different.”

And I’ll ask; How is it different from the hundreds of thousands of people that have been where you are and still managed to find their soul mate?

Finally, be thankful for what you have right now.
Be thankful you’re not in the wrong relationship. Be thankful you’re learning to make better choices. Be thankful you’re learning how to find the right relationship.

Be patient in your journey but be persistent in your efforts.

Remember, only the hardest things to find are the ones worth having.

I hope I’ve given you some great information and insight to make healthier relationship decisions. I’ll see you next week. Until then, have a great and blessed day.