#222 - Why can't I find anyone to date?

Seriously, why can’t I find anyone to date?

It doesn’t make any difference whether I’m talking to someone in a small town of 2,000 people or a city of over 2 million people. The question is the same.

That has prompted me to think about this question more seriously. Initially, I could understand having difficulty finding someone to date in a small town. But when I hear literally the same question from people in the Kansas City metro area, it doesn’t make sense.

By all means, it is frustrating to not be able to find someone to date. And just like all the dates and relationships you’ve had, you’re the common denominator. As the old adage goes, whenever you point the finger of blame, you’ve got three more pointing back at you!

This got me to think about some of my experiences of dating in both small towns and larger cities. What I’ve found, personally, is that your results are based on your effort…at least they are for me.

It’s so easy to say that there is no one worth dating wherever you are. However…when you do that, you’re pointing the finger of blame at something or someone outside of you. Maybe it’s time to take a look at you. What are you doing, saying, or believing that is inhibiting your success?

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Is it a lack of activity?
How often are you meeting someone new for coffee? How many dates a month do you have?

Time for a reality check here. If you’re going out once a month or less, you’re not trying and you’re not really serious! I can already hear some of you saying, I’m not looking for quantity, I’m looking for quality. And that’s fine.

Remember, the odds of finding quality are stacked against you if you’re limiting the quantity of dates you’re having. It’s about finding the proverbial needle in a haystack. You won’t find it if you’re not exerting the effort to look.

Are you sitting at home waiting on God to bring you the one?
You’d be surprised at how often I hear this. Do you believe that God has a plan for your life? I know I do. But I also recognize that I have to do my part in finding my soul mate.

It’s no different than going to the doctor. We ask for God to heal whatever is wrong with us yet we all go to the doctor. Most people believe that God will work his miracles through the doctors and nurses that are taking care of them.

Why wouldn’t you use the same belief system to find your soul mate? You do have to put in some effort. This isn’t a one-sided deal!

Your success in dating is no different than success in any other area of your life.
You’re rewarded for your effort. If you put in a lot of effort and do the right things, you’ll be rewarded with a great relationship. If you sit around and put in very little effort, you may be rewarded in time…just not as quickly as you’d like, so don’t complain about not having someone in your life.

What are you doing to be an extraordinary mate?
You don’t have to make huge changes in your life. It’s been proven that it’s the small changes that make the biggest difference.

What are you filling your head with? Are you listening to mindless TV and radio or are you listening to uplifting, inspirational, and educational material in audio books and podcasts? What books are you reading? Is it the latest romance novel or Sports Illustrated magazine?

Don’t misunderstand. There has to be life balance and it’s okay to read or listen to things for fun, relaxation, and entertainment. The problem arises when that’s all you consume and spend no time challenging yourself and growing intellectually.

What are you filling your body with? Are you taking care of it the way you know you should? It doesn’t take major changes in diet and exercise to make huge long-term improvements.

Eat one less donut this week and have one more salad. Walk up an extra flight of stairs instead of taking the elevator. Start working out for 5 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Then add a minute a day each week.

Don’t beat yourself up if you miss a day of exercise, overeat one day, read a trashy novel, or not fill your head with positive uplifting material regularly. Allow yourself to make mistakes or to slip up every now and then. This way you set yourself up for long-term success.

Take a proactive approach to your dating life and you will, in time, be rewarded.

I hope today’s topic is helpful. Join me next week for “The special challenges of dating when you’re widowed.”

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