#221 - Can you identify a serial dater or a serial monogamist?

If you’ve spent any amount of time in the dating world, you’ve undoubtedly come across serial daters and possibly serial monogamists.

Who is the serial dater?
Simply put, it’s someone who dates a lot people, but manages to steer clear of long-term commitments. Serial daters can be charming and a lot of fun to be with, but they will probably leave you feeling alone and unhappy.

This is the person that may have only a few dates with you and then moves on for no apparent reason. You appear to have some good times together, but then, in an instant they’re gone.

It’s one thing to have a couple of dates and recognize that you don’t have enough in common or that you don’t have chemistry. Serial daters move on for no apparent reason at all.

The serial dater loves the thrill of chase; they love the first few dates; they relish that new date feeling. Maybe it’s an ego thing, maybe it’s a boredom thing, but securing a new date is their ultimate high.

Serial dater can be considered a politically correct term for “player”.

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Here are some important characteristics to watch for in a serial dater.
While serial daters are not in the majority of singles, they are out there and you should be aware of what to look for to avoid investing too much time and emotional energy with this person.

Here are some things to be on the lookout for.

They want to rush things.
The serial dater can’t wait to go on the date and can’t wait to hop into bed. There’s no time or desire to build a foundation for a strong long-term relationship. For the serial dater, all the rules around building a solid, lasting relationship go out the window.

They have wandering eyes.
The serial dater is always looking. They’re usually distracted by the next beautiful person walking by.

It’s pretty obvious. If they’re checking everyone else out while you’re on your date, you’ve probably got a serial dater on your hands. They have a serious case of ‘the grass is always greener’ and they’re checking out how attractive the waitress, bartender, Uber driver, or the person at the next table is.

They’re easily bored.
They’re not interested in building a relationship with you and chances are they’re not going to be that interested in getting to know you. Your serial dater won’t ask questions about you and will probably try and rush you through the evening. That’s your cue to exit the date.

To the serial dater, it’s all about the fun. They’re just looking for a good time, being at the right parties, the right places, and with the right people.

Who is the serial monogamist?
The Urban Dictionary defines serial monogamy as the custom or practice of having one mate at a time. Each relationship may be serious and committed, or not. The term is used in contrast with strict “monogamy”, which can imply just one partner over a lifetime.

The Cambridge Dictionary describes it a little differently. They say it’s the fact or custom of having a number of sexual relationships one after another, but never more than one at a time.

Here are some common characteristics of the serial monogamist.

They’re always in a relationship.
Commonly this person jumps from one relationship to the next and rarely spends time alone. Serial monogamists are uncomfortable being single. The biggest sign that you’re dating one is that they took little to no time to be single before your relationship began.

Serial monogamists talk about their Exes…a lot.
Most people use the time after a breakup to mourn it, meditate on it, and learn from it. But when serial monogamists break up with someone, they jump right into a new committed relationship without taking the time to process the loss. As a result, they carry around baggage from their previous relationships. Whether they realize it or not, they often bring it up in their new relationship and may make the same mistakes over and over again.

They rarely attend social events alone.
There are times in nearly everyone’s life when you are invited to something, or want to attend an event, and no one you know will be there. The easiest solution to this problem is to go alone and make the best of it, but serial monogamists would never go to a party without a boyfriend on their arm.

They’re not very independent.
They’ve always had a romantic partner to lean on and to experience life with. They also may often live with multiple roommates or still live with their parents. They crave the feeling of having someone there for them and they may have never truly been on their own or grown into their own person.

They don’t have a lot of wild stories about their single days.
For the majority of their adult life, and maybe even their adolescent life, they’ve been in a relationship. There aren’t any single days to talk about. So if you’re trading stories about your crazy adventurous days, they won’t have much to add. Serial monogamists crave stability, and by their terms, being single is not stable.

Serial daters, aka players, should be avoided at all costs. Serial monogamists, on the other hand are not all bad. The biggest problem with a serial monogamist is that they never take time to grieve, heal, and learn from their past relationships. This can be a problem as they move into new relationships. Their new mate will need to be tolerant of the ongoing talk of their exes. This can get frustrating for the new mate and damaging to the new relationship. Be cautious when entering a new relationship with a serial monogamist.

I hope today’s topic is helpful. Join me next week for “Why can’t I find someone to date?”

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