#203 - That mystical, mythical land called "the friend zone"

We’ve all experienced it! You meet someone, you seem to get along and have a great time together. You even have a lot in common. You may even have a few dates, start talking about your dreams and desires, discuss plans about doing things in the future such as travel, events, etc. and then suddenly it’s over.

Just as quickly as this “relationship” started, it is over with a phone call or text. You hear the words “You’re a great guy (or woman), we have a great time together, BUT…” You can fill in the blank with whatever the reason is. Then you often hear the line; “It’s not you…it’s me.”

This feels like a kick in the gut! You’re taken by surprise and it hurts. You can try to convince them that they’re making a huge mistake, but in reality, are they? I know YOU think they are! How do I know this? I’ve been there! I’ve done it! I’ve bought that t-shirt and wore it out!

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There have been many articles written about how to get out of the Friend Zone. I have read a few of them with some interest and understand their point. Then I think, why would I want someone that doesn’t want to be with me?

You see, trying to convince someone to date you after they have made a decision that you are not a good match is wasted time and effort.

There should come a point in time when you value yourself as much as you value someone else. I already hear the argument that says, “Rick, I do value myself, that’s why I’m trying to get out of the Friend Zone. I just need to show him/her that I am everything they could want in a mate!

Don’t waste your time!

The dreaded one-sided relationship
I’ve recently been in this situation and can speak first hand. It came as a total surprise to me. I was put in the “friend zone.” It stinks! But here’s the reality. She wasn’t feeling the attraction she needed to feel. There is nothing that I could have said or done that can change that fact. This was becoming a one-sided relationship.

Fortunately for us, she recognized early on that our relationship wasn’t going to be the right relationship for her. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it hurts…a little. Nobody wants to be or feel rejected. The reality is she wasn’t rejecting me, she was rejecting the relationship.

What is a one-sided relationship? This is a relationship where only one person feels strongly connected to the other. It doesn’t make any difference why the other person doesn’t feel connected. They just don’t.

It’s so easy for us to get all wrapped up in the fact that we’ve lost someone we really liked. The flip side is that we are not in that one-sided relationship. You can’t make someone fall in like or in love with you. The harder you try, the more you push them away…so don’t try to force the issue.

When the relationship is right, you’ll both know it.
One of the hardest parts about dating is starting over again. If you look at it as drudgery, it will be, and it will take you infinitely longer to find your extraordinary relationship. Dating takes effort…a lot of effort if you’re not going to settle for less than an extraordinary relationship.

When you do find your right relationship, you’ll both know it.

Don’t be afraid of the Friend Zone. Yeah, in some respects it’s not a great place to be. Just remember one thing, you’re not in a relationship that will eventually end badly. You’re not with someone that settled for less than what they want and need in a relationship.

I know that sounds cold, but it’s relationship reality. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or inferior in any way. It just means that the connection doesn’t go both ways.

Sure, you may end up with a bruised ego. That feeling is only temporary and will pass relatively quickly as long as you recognize and understand that you can’t be the perfect person for everyone. You are, however, the perfect person for someone. You just need to keep looking.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve had several requests to address starting over. Next week I’ll share some thoughts about stepping back into the world of dating.

If you have problems with choosing a good relationship check out my blog post #220 – The 8 Key Elements of an Extraordinary Relationship and request your copy of The 5 Biggest Dating and Relationship Mistakes and How to Avoid Them.