#165 - You aren't getting a second date. Why?

A common complaint I hear from both men and women is that they aren’t getting a second date. They tell me that they think the date went well, but never hear from their date again. They are bewildered and frustrated. Why is this happening? Here are a few things to consider when this happens to you.

Are you prepared for your date?
This may seem like an obvious question. You’re thinking “Well of course, I’m always ready for my date!” But, are you really? Here are some preparation guidelines for you to follow.

  • Show up on time. This doesn’t mean show up fashionably late. It means being on time or being early! If you’re going to be late, call your date and explain what’s going on and when you can be expected to arrive.
  • Be mentally prepared for the date. If you met on line, review your messages to each other to get yourself refreshed on the things you talked about. One of the more important ways to impress your date is to remember most of the things you have talked about previously. Even if you are on a blind date you can ask the person that arranged the date to fill you in on what they know. You can also do a quick google search and check out their Facebook page. This quick check will give you some idea about whom you are on a date with. It will also give you some ideas for things to talk about.
  • Turn your cell phone OFF or at least turn it to silent. Nothing is more distracting or annoying than to be with someone that is constantly checking their phone and answering texts and texting others.
What are you doing (or not doing) during your date?
Avoid dominating the conversation. On the flip side, also make sure you are communicative. It’s not going to be a great date for the other person if do all the talking or if they have to struggle to get conversation out of you. If the other person can’t get a word in edgewise you are learning nothing about them. If you are letting them do all the talking and not contributing to the conversation in any significant way, They aren’t learning anything about you. It’s no fun to be on a date where the other person has to pry conversation out of you. Great dates require interaction from both people.
Carrying a lot of negative baggage with you will definitely put a damper on your date. Things like hatred, anger, and jealousy should be worked out long before you go on a first date. If you’re still angry with your ex, parents, or siblings then seek professional counseling to help you work through past issues. Taking these negative emotions into a date will only poison it right from the beginning.
Do you have annoying habits that might turn turn someone off? These are hard to recognize because these may be things we do all the time. They seem normal to us. You may have to enlist the help of a family member of a close friend that knows you well and ask if they recognize any habits that could be annoying to someone that doesn’t know you.
Are you affirming/confirming you are interested in another date?
As the date is coming to a close, make sure your date know you had a good time (assuming, of course, that you did.) Never make an assumption that the other person knows that you would like to see them again! If you had a really great time, make sure you tell your date that you enjoyed your time together. Make sure you are crystal clear! Also, make sure you know if your date had a great time too. If they didn’t and didn’t really feel a connection to you, make sure you understand that too. This way you’re not waiting for a phone call or text asking you for another date. If you’re the one that didn’t feel a connection, you need to share that too. Don’t string anyone along. It’s much easier to be up front and say that you just don’t feel that the two of you are a great match than it is to try to start ducking phone calls and texts.
Unfortunately, not everyone will take that news well. You may get some angry, hateful texts or phone calls. Just recognize that it’s not you…it’s them and this would have been a relationship that would not go well.
Are you taking time to objectively review your date after it’s over?
This is one area that most of people don’t want to address. It is extremely difficult to take an objective look at ourselves. No one that I know (including me) enjoys admitting they may have made a mistake or could have done something better. Most people want affirmation, not education. Affirmation is getting a pat on the back and thinking you did well. Education is recognizing that there may be better ways to do or say things.
After your date is over, rewind it and reviewing it in your head. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you feel? If you see, hear, or feel something that isn’t right, you have an opportunity to change. You may even want to share your thoughts with someone close to you and ask for their perspective. Be open and honest about your date. Was the date all about you or did you make an effort to get to know the other person?

Is it you or is it them?
Its hard to try to correct a problem until we know where the problem lies. If we determine that the issue lies with the people you date, you may have to look at the type of people you’re attracted to. You can’t control someone else’s preferences or desires no matter how great a catch you might be. If you’re attracted to only those that are looking for sex on the first date, that is problematic. What is it about them that attracts you? Hopefully it’s more than just looks!

In reality, you are the common denominator in all your dates. Are you interesting to talk to? Are you interested in learning more about your date? Or, are you caught up in looks, or money, or their career, or whatever else they might have to offer? Ultimately it is your responsibility to make changes or adjustments to how you present yourself to make your date want to ask you out again. Please be clear, I’m not suggesting you be a chameleon and adapt to whatever you think your date is looking for. However, you do need to be the best that you can be. You need to be the person you’d love to date!

I hope this gives you some food for thought. If you have specific dating or relationship questions, please send a note to [email protected].

Have a great and blessed week.

Rick Soetebier