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#146 - Falling in love with a fantasy

This title sounds a little silly doesn’t it? The reality is most of us have, at one time or another, fallen in love with a fantasy. For some of us it may be that we fall in love with a movie star, a rock star, a country singer or maybe a sports celebrity. For most of us, it is someone closer to home such as someone you have met, someone you may have dated, or even an on-line dating profile. Yes, I said and on-line dating profile! First you see a picture of a person you are extremely attracted to. Then you read a profile that is masterfully crafted and you can’t help but think that he or she is your soul mate! These scenarios may all sound quite amusing, but it has happened to most of us…if you’re willing to admit it.

Fantasy vs. Reality
Often we fall in love with someone only to find out that they are not the person we thought they were. Why? Most times it is because we are so ready to be in love that we will fall in love with anyone that has a slight resemblance to what we are looking for in a relationship. You have created someone to fit your ideal mate characteristics in your mind. This is called a fantasy bond. We attach our thoughts and desires to someone to make them the person we desire them to be. We do this to fulfill our desires to find our perfect mate.

Another reason this happens is that as adults, we can form strong emotional bonds based on intimate physical contact such as hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. With repeated intimate contact with another person you will develop a deeper and stronger emotional connection. This is thought to be a result of the love hormone, Oxytocin.

The relationship becomes toxic after a short period of time; maybe a few months to a year or two after you start dating. How many of you become an emotional wreck when this toxic relationship ends? Why? Because you have become attached to someone that doesn’t exist. Well, they exist physically, but who they are as a person is not who you fell in love with. You fell in love with a couple of great qualities or the potential you may see in them, but they are far from what you are actually looking for in a healthy relationship. You hang on to this fantasy of the person you want them to be and it causes incredible pain when the relationship ultimately crumbles.

How many of you have fallen in love with an on-line profile?  You make contact, start to have a conversation; you may even meet. And then, you discover they have no interest in you. Your dreams are dashed; all because you fell in love with a fantasy. In your mind, you saw this person as your perfect mate in spite of the fact you didn’t know each other.

Avoid the Fantasy Trap
How do you avoid falling in love with a Fantasy? First, be crystal clear about what you are looking for in a relationship. Make your list of non-negotiable characteristics that you are looking for. Refer to your list regularly as you get to know someone. This list will help you step back from the infatuation and raging hormones that typically blind us to the realities of the relationship.

Second, learn what a healthy relationship looks like. Most of us grew up in a dysfunctional household and don’t truly know what a healthy relationship should look like. We only know what we have observed.

Third, learn the red flags of toxic relationships. Gain an understanding of the characteristics of co-dependency, narcissism, and emotional immaturity. Here are a few examples of things to watch out for.

  • An extreme need for approval and recognition
  • A compelling need to control others
  • Inability to make long-range choices; i.e. Do they spend tax refund on a new TV or save for retirement?
  • Lack of concern for others
  • Chronic anger
  • Problems with intimacy and personal boundaries

This is by no means a comprehensive list. Sites such as Psychology Today and the National Institute of Mental Health are great places to start to learn about what healthy relationships should look like.

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